I started the below post on March 31st. I never published it (I got involved, got distracted). While I am no longer feeling quite so paranoid, I think I still want to remember these feelings. I think I also want others to know that they are not alone in these feelings. They are real. They are valid. You are not crazy.
I think I am paranoid.
No, it’s not about COVID-19. I feel like I have been working non-stop since 9am (with a 1-hour lunch taken in 30-minute chunks). That means I should have logged 6 hours at this point. I added up the time it took to complete each task (I have to keep a record for who-knows-whom), and I got 4.9 hours.
I’m going to get flagged. I’m going to get furloughed.
That’s the paranoid part.
When at work, there’s always down-time. There are the hallway conversations, the afternoon constitutionals around campus (outdoors when weather permits), the popping into your neighbor’s office to ask a question or just to say hi. No one really works a true 7 hours.
But if my logs don’t indicate that I have worked 7 hours (I would prefer they reflect more time), I start to panic and wonder where those minutes went. Did I add wrong? Did I forget to carry the 1? Did I forget I’m working in base 60 rather than base 10?
Writing about it helps. I have 15 minutes before a meeting, and I figure I’m permitted that time to take a break from the work (am I though?) and write about this insanity (it’s not insane if they are really counting).
I ended up creating a new daily activity log template. One that automatically updates the date and tallies up the hours. I submitted it for approval, and got some good comments, but the cabinet wants to test it further. Instead, the cabinet released a previously-approved daily activity log template: They deleted a column. The column needed deleting, but, like, really?
That was bitchy, but I’m leaving it. I’m in a space where my social filter is failing. I want to remember that.